Toxic vs Neurodiverse

Is the label “toxic” destructive to the neurodiverse?

Over recent years, the term “toxic” has become common usage to describe people who have a negative impact on those around them, and are considered manipulative, selfish, lacking empathy, etc, for others. There are many variations of this description, but we are all reasonably familiar with it these days.

Keeping our own mental state safe and healthy can often require us to distance ourselves from those who display these characteristics. Life can be difficult enough without complications from those who have these tendencies!

However, the term has become something of an overused cliché, and can often be used as an excuse to simply avoid doing the hard work of self understanding and navigating relationships with empathy and compassion. I’m not suggesting that we no longer recognise the destructive nature of those with narcissistic “toxic” tendencies, but rather to make sure we aren’t part of the problem!

Neurodiversity (ND) is a spectrum that describes the cognitive functioning and processes of the brain. The most common is ADHD, but it includes a wide range of often overlapping conditions such as ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), Aspergers, Dyslexia etc.

For those with some form and level of neurodiversity, many of the cognitive processes with communication come across as offensive, rude, self-centred, blunt etc, without the appropriate filtering exercised in “normal” communications and relationships. This often creates huge issues, which the “normal” person can interpret as “toxic”, refusing to accept that the ND person actually cares and is genuinely confused by the reactions they get.

When ND people question the reactions of others, they may get accused of things like gaslighting, which only serves to worsen the destructive communication cycle. This creates very difficult problems for ND people, often compounding their struggles in relationships. I’ve experienced this myself as an ND person, and constantly see it in others.

Some of us learn to recognise how we come across to others and can adapt and monitor our language and responses, but it’s hard work, and our impulsive and spontaneous nature means we often say things before we realise. Then there’s also the way we act in response to other’s emotions and reactions, which can come across as indifferent or uncaring. We can be forgetful and distracted, or hyperfocused to the point of being dismissive of what’s going on around us.

All of us are complex and nuanced creatures, and for those on the ND spectrum, life can be difficult enough without being labelled as “toxic”. So please, don’t use the toxic label as an easy way out of personal growth and wisdom.