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Toxic vs Neurodiverse

Is the label “toxic” destructive to the neurodiverse?

Over recent years, the term “toxic” has become common usage to describe people who have a negative impact on those around them, and are considered manipulative, selfish, lacking empathy, etc, for others. There are many variations of this description, but we are all reasonably familiar with it these days.

Keeping our own mental state safe and healthy can often require us to distance ourselves from those who display these characteristics. Life can be difficult enough without complications from those who have these tendencies!

However, the term has become something of an overused cliché, and can often be used as an excuse to simply avoid doing the hard work of self understanding and navigating relationships with empathy and compassion. I’m not suggesting that we no longer recognise the destructive nature of those with narcissistic “toxic” tendencies, but rather to make sure we aren’t part of the problem!

Neurodiversity (ND) is a spectrum that describes the cognitive functioning and processes of the brain. The most common is ADHD, but it includes a wide range of often overlapping conditions such as ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), Aspergers, Dyslexia etc.

For those with some form and level of neurodiversity, many of the cognitive processes with communication come across as offensive, rude, self-centred, blunt etc, without the appropriate filtering exercised in “normal” communications and relationships. This often creates huge issues, which the “normal” person can interpret as “toxic”, refusing to accept that the ND person actually cares and is genuinely confused by the reactions they get.

When ND people question the reactions of others, they may get accused of things like gaslighting, which only serves to worsen the destructive communication cycle. This creates very difficult problems for ND people, often compounding their struggles in relationships. I’ve experienced this myself as an ND person, and constantly see it in others.

Some of us learn to recognise how we come across to others and can adapt and monitor our language and responses, but it’s hard work, and our impulsive and spontaneous nature means we often say things before we realise. Then there’s also the way we act in response to other’s emotions and reactions, which can come across as indifferent or uncaring. We can be forgetful and distracted, or hyperfocused to the point of being dismissive of what’s going on around us.

All of us are complex and nuanced creatures, and for those on the ND spectrum, life can be difficult enough without being labelled as “toxic”. So please, don’t use the toxic label as an easy way out of personal growth and wisdom.

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Good/Bad Christianity

As most of you know, I post some rather scathing stuff about Christianity.

There’s a few reasons for this, the most obvious being the level of abuse I went through in churches – from subtle forms of gaslighting and manipulation, through to some pretty heavy stuff. Basically, I’ve experienced the full length and breadth of what Christianity can offer.

It’s taken me many years to sift through the mess and discover my own sense of self, my place in the world, and what sort of “spirituality” works for me.

Most of my posts are directed towards the extremists and fundamentalists, who embrace an extremely toxic form of religion that has little to do with the things Jesus apparently preached.

Strangely, having participated wholeheartedly in that type of religion for many years, I actually have a high level of empathy for those in the “system”. I genuinely understand how one can get hooked into it. I appreciate the patience of friends over the years, many of whom stood back and let me go through it all, and some who confronted me with the harsh reality.

In the end, both ends of the spectrum helped me see what I was doing, but it was those who really challenged me, directly but politely, that caused the biggest shift.

Sure, I’d dig my heals in, and do the mental gymnastics needed to justify my beliefs, but eventually, straightforward logic and reason won me over, along with experiencing genuine, unconditional love, with no expectations and conditions.

So for those of you who would agree with how disgusting that form of Christianity is, but get rather disconcerted that I’m painting you all with the same brush, let me qualify things.

For me, the entirety of Christianity has become irrelevant, and that colours my opinions. But I totally appreciate those who have a “real” loving faith that reflects the nice bits of the bible and embraces doctrines that truly benefit themselves and humanity.

Here’s the thing though…

Christianity, in any form of “good” or “bad” is 100% subjective, built on traditions and assumptions, filtered through emotions in a way that builds deep levels of confirmation bias. This means that, for the “good” ones, they look for good in the theology and doctrines. They see through the lens of love.

But Christianity doesn’t make people compassionate and empathetic! Yes, that’s a bold statement, but I’ve found the reality is that the people who find Christianity as a place of deep love and acceptance, that helps them with existential angst, and provides a loving and supportive community, were already like that in the first place!

“Good” people become “good” Christians.

But Jim, there’s so many testimonies of “bad” people getting saved and turning their lives around!

So, here’s the other thing…

When you look closely at those testimonies, and if you have the chance, the personal lives of those people over longer periods of time, we find a very different picture. Nearly all embrace the most extreme forms of fundamentalism, becoming religiously obsessed, with obnoxious agendas to “get everyone saved”. They are the ones who exemplify bigotry, condemnation, exclusivity and division. They preach hell and damnation.

They have taken the things that make them “bad” and wrapped them up in Christianity. This creates a veneer of pseudo love, that other Christians (mostly fundamentalists) approve of. This means that even the “best” Christians accept them, to greater or lesser degrees, as just passionate and “on fire”.

In all my interactions with Christianity over 40 years, through a huge range of denominations, and working with countless people in many capacities, I’ve found this to be true. And yes, there are people who were originally loving and compassionate, but got caught up in “bad” things, so their testimony does have some validity. But even then, most of those in this category don’t become the religiously obsessed I’m talking about.

But wait, there’s more!!

As I mentioned, the entirety of Christian beliefs are a subjective construct, with no empirical evidence whatsoever. But that’s the case for ALL religions! The “spiritual” is something we have no evidence for, apart from anecdotal stuff, emotional experiences, visions etc. There’s nothing to actually prove that ANY religion is true, let alone THE truth. It’s all various degrees of dogma.

BUT, that’s actually OK. Because the real benefits of any religion are in what sort of person it makes you (or helps bring out in you). It’s all about metaphor and allegory, shaped by stories and legends etc. Whether they are literally true isn’t really important – it’s how we live that gives religions any credibility.

So yeah, when we embrace dogma, we are instantly on the “downward” path. Instead, as most “good” Christians do, hold your beliefs lightly, ready to change and grow. Embrace questions, fight through dogma, be open to answers from anywhere. Trust the deep love that is already in all of us (although that can be buried very deep for some).

“Good” Christians don’t care about converting you, getting people saved, and making sure they believe the correct doctrines. They just want to get on with loving people, allowing their loves to speak for themselves. They innately live with empathy and compassion, with a belief system that reflects the simple example of the unreligious aspects of Jesus.

So get out there and just live life to it’s fullest – with love, compassion and empathy, and quietly believe whatever you want.

[Note: I use “good” and “bad” as descriptors, rather than specific moral judgements on the people. In some ways, I’d prefer to use “beneficial” and “detrimental” as they have different connotations, but that’s a whoooole other topic!]

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What is our purpose?

We often see the question asked by pretty much anyone – from the wisest gurus and spiritual teachers, to the simplest of us who take the time to ponder these things.
Why are we here?
What is our purpose?
Perhaps we aren’t “put” here for anything!
Perhaps there is absolutely no meaning or purpose, other than what we make for ourselves.
In fact, accepting that simple possibility, gives us incredible freedom to simply “be” – to observe – and then decide what meaning and purpose we’d like for ourselves.
When we let go and accept this state of meaninglessness, there is no fear, or need, or expectation to drive us – no existential angst – just a peace with this moment – a peace to create our own place in this reality we call life.
This is the key to the deepest and most satisfying “raison d’etre” – our “ground of being”  ❤
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Is altruism truly altruist?

altruism (ălˈtro͞o-ĭzˌəm)

  • n. Unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness.

One of the traits we most admire in humans is altruism.

We reward and revere the most altruistic in society and recognise our desire to be that way ourselves – but usually as an unattainable goal.

So what makes the most altruistic of us capable of such acts? Well, it’s not selflessness! On the surface it appears to be, but there is a deeper motive in every human – self-worth.

We do good, selfless things because at the foundational level, they make us feel good about ourselves. We make sacrifices, go out of our way, to help others without thought of our own needs. We do have genuine empathy and compassion for others – absolutely! But that’s the emotion triggered by our paradigms and not the core motivation. Ultimately we do good because we feel good.

Sure, we can do it as an act of discipline, actively denying our need to feel good about it – which pretty much amounts to masochism and self flagellation, LOL. Or we can recognise that feeling good about doing good is why we keep doing it. And the more we do it, the better we feel, which inspires us to keep doing it!

So stop pretending that we are being a martyr – to others and, more importantly, to ourselves. Recognise and embrace our need for self-affirmation and self-worth that really drives our altruistic actions anyway. This avoids the false humility and builds integrity and honesty in ourselves and our relationships.

Sadly our conditioning (especially when religion is involved) regards this as unhealthy and even sinful.

We have a lot to unlearn!

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The long term reality of religious abuse

In my book (It’s Life Jim…) I cover the subject of mental health openly but fairly lightly.

Although these days I help many work through the debilitating trauma of religious abuse and it’s impact on LGBT people, I realise I haven’t actually shared much of my own struggles – only snippets really. I was wondering why I’ve avoided it, and I realise it’s because of the stigma. I’m afraid that it will invalidate me – that if I share too much, I will have no credibility in my work with Silent Gays and just be relegated to the rubbish heap of nutters!  But life is about facing our fears, so here is my day to day reality… (pull up a comfy chair, it’s going to be a long one)

The first layer of fear was from very young, realising I didn’t fit the expectations of family and society (although I couldn’t express it as that at the time). I was ADHD but it wasn’t a “thing” back in the 60s so I was constantly being judged for being a space case and a dreamer. I couldn’t focus for long on anything, always wanting something new and getting bored far to quick and most of the other classic “symptoms”.

The next layer was hitting puberty and finding that I had zero attraction to girls and it was the boys who would send my hormones on a rampage. But it was taboo to even talk about it. So I lived a conflicted dual life in my most formative years.

The next layer was the impact of religion, enforcing the stigma that anything outside of “normal” heterosexuality was living a dreadful sin. This drove me ever onwards to find a “solution”, get healed/cured/changed/whatever – anything but live in the excruciating pain of guilt and shame caused by the religious beliefs. This became the most damaging part of my life, as I pursued every imaginable way of becoming straight.

During all this time, through two marriages, numerous different church denominations, doctrines and theologies, and endless counselling, I fell deeper into depression and suicide ideation. But I couldn’t even let anyone know that either! I was already a “loser”, if not to those around me, most certainly in my own mind – I was a failure.

Finally, I embraced the “gay conversion therapy” practices of Living Waters for 15 years, clinging to the hope that this was going to finally change me and bring the freedom I was so desperate for. But of course, it didn’t. The depression became worse and I would become crippled with anxiety, but still I had to hide it and use every ounce of strength I had to live day by day. My marriage was an absolute sham, and my wife constantly shamed me. So often I felt like I would “explode” – what exactly that meant I’m not sure, but that was the feeling.

My wife died, and I collapsed. I had lost all my reference points, I didn’t know how to process what was happening and depression and anxiety left me needing “real” counselling (not Christian pseudo counselling) and medication. Thus began the slow climb out of the pit.

Here’s the reality though that so many of us who have been through something like this suffer. We “walk with a limp”. I don’t mean that in some nice wise sounding metaphor. I mean it as a limp with a bloody open wound that although it doesn’t stop us from getting involved in, and enjoying life, does mean we are always walking in the pain and effects of our injury. We do our best, and yes, it’s unbelievable better than what we lived through, but the wounds never seem to heal.

To put that into my daily practical affairs, here’s what my own “wound” is like.

I have ADHD, so my ability to focus is limited, unless I lock on to something that absolutely captivates me and then I can’t leave it. I am impulsive, get bored quickly, forget stuff, remember the wrong things at the wrong times, and all the classic ADHD stuff. But after the meltdown when Min died, these symptoms became heaps worse. I could pretty much work around them in the past, but now they are extreme. I have regular bouts of depression still, although not crippling like they used to be, and I’m sooo thankful for that! I get anxiety attacks too. At first they were pretty bad – things like freaking out in the supermarket and bursting into tears. But I still get them. I’ll start to get nervous and tense for no reason and keep thinking I’ve forgotten something really important.

I used to be pretty good with complex technical information and did well as a technical writer and instructional designer, but another aspect of my meltdown was that as the ADHD and anxiety had increased, I lost the ability to comprehend that sort of information any more. This has been a source of incredible frustration and sadness, especially as I was a bit of a wiz with electronic music and computers. I’m also a qualified trainer/facilitator but the thought of teaching IT or Health and Safety Systems (as I used to) sends me into a panic!

As a result, I couldn’t hold a job any more. I’m pretty much a liability, never knowing one day, or even one hour to the next, what my mental state will be. Pressure, expectations, deadlines etc cause my mind to go blank, which sets off anxiety because I can’t function, and become fearful that I’ll let people down. So I went on the sickness benefit (thank you New Zealand for your wonderful social welfare system – even if it does have it’s problems).

About a year ago I decided to try getting work again and coming off the benefit and the meds. It’s been one crazy year! I ended up doing security work, simply because its pretty chilled with low expectations, but there was constant pressure for long hours at crappy pay to cover the bills. 12 hour night shifts, brain numbing day shifts standing around, which for an ADHD person is living hell! I finally had to quit a couple of months ago because I could feel my brain falling back to the point of breakdown again.

This is my life – I never know from day to day how my mind will be. I’m really good at putting on a happy face, and I’m always the funny guy, but I’m broken. I’m happy, in fact life has never been better, but my wounds are deep and I simply can’t function in life as we are supposed to.

What happens is that the mind is deeply scared from having to adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms all its life. A life of shame and guilt creates patterns of thoughts and reactions that simply don’t suddenly leave, especially as you get older and the responses are so ingrained. Things that may appear “normal” life to others trigger me into confusion and anxiety. I can start the day with the best of intentions and find that suddenly my brain has totally lost the plot and I can’t complete a single thing I’ve planned.

I can however, communicate! I can write with passion about religion and being gay. I can talk to a crowd for hours about it! I can take people on roads of self discovery. I can run workshops and seminars, and feel incredible compassion and empathy for the broken like myself. But ask me to sort out technical stuff like my website, and accounts and running a proper organisation and I grind to a halt – despite the fact that in my past life I was very capable and even had small business management qualifications.

These days I’m trying to find part time work that I can actually handle, that pays enough to cover the bills while I try to build some online work to finance my passion of helping others.

Anyway, I’ve rambled somewhat, but only in the hope that I’ve created a picture of the ongoing effects of mental illness. I’m at peace in many ways with it all however, as long as I allow myself to roll with it. If it’s a “bad” day, I try to just chill out in the knowledge that tomorrow will be different. Not always easy of course when I’m often faced with daily simple tasks, but I’m getting there, despite the niggling shame that persists for not being “normal”. Things like mindfulness meditation have been the biggest help, as well as long walks on the beach.

That’s my “limp”. That’s my life. It’s a good life, but only if I let it be a good life in the full acceptance of my limitations, embracing all that I am right now, with all its mess and unpredictability. I love who I am now. I have no regrets. I don’t live in constant shame and guilt any more. I want to live, and live that life to its fullest, which is amazing considering most of my life was spent figuring out ways to kill myself and spiralling through chronic depression and fear.

Yep, this is me, warts and all!

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Division in the ranks

The term “LGBT community” is an immensely broad brush stroke that tries to define all the variations of sexuality and gender humans experience. We are often obliged to add more subgroups into the term to embrace everyone) LGBTQIA etc. The list keeps growing as we all desire our own label to communicate exactly who we are to others.

This is a normal human reaction to life. We love labels!

But there’s a problem with labelling in regards to sexuality and gender. We are all, every single human on the planet, somewhere on the sliding scales of sexual identity/expression and gender identity/expression as well as physical gender attributes. There simply aren’t two people who experience exactly the same identifications and expression. The following chart explains the basic spectrum for all humans. While not perfect, it does give us the basic idea.

The significance of all this is obvious – labels are almost redundant and quite often, counterproductive, creating misunderstanding, rejection and division – despite our best intentions to find our own unique niche.

Ideally (and yes, I’m an idealist), we should all have the freedom to simply be who we are, whatever that looks like. Don’t get me wrong, we do need some way of identifying ourselves so that we can find friends and communities we can relate to. But there is a lot of bigotry and judgement that goes on, even (or especially?) by others who identify as being on the spectrum.

Drag queens, cross dressers and trans women often don’t see eye to eye. Butch lesbians and trans men get into spats. Asexuals feel left out. And of course, the attitudes towards the flamboyant feminine gays by masculine gay men can be disgusting. I even found a group that call themselves G0ys (that’s gay with a zero instead of an a). These guys identify with the idea that we are all on a spectrum of sexual attraction, but they actively denounce anyone who doesn’t fit their “look and behave like a straight male” paradigm and have extreme opinions about the evils of anal sex. Sadly, just another bunch of people who, while trying to create a broader acceptance for the male sexual continuum, have created deeper bigotry instead.

My dream is to slowly lose the LGBTIQwhatever label as we learn to accept our uniqueness. Let’s stop denigrating others because we don’t understand or they “aren’t like us”. There’s enough of this in all areas of life without it affecting those of us who have to battle for the right to simply be who we are.

I’m “gay”, I’m only attracted to men, I express myself as reasonably masculine but have some aspects of the feminine psyche that “soften” me (damn those jazz hands). But that doesn’t mean I want to be pinholed as a bear or whatever silly sub-label you want to dump on me.

I’m Jim.

I love and respect every human equally, and I accept that no two people are at exactly the same point on the spectrum of gender and sexuality. We are bigger than the stereotypes!

 

 

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